Back in 2019, I wrote one of my first blogs about discovering what makes me happy (click here to read this) I had spent so much of my life doing what needed to be done and dealing with what happened “to me” that I had found myself unable to answer the question my coach asked me, “What makes you happy?”
When I was working on answering that question, I realised that I already had quite a few activities in my life that made me happy but I wasn’t really absorbing them and allowing myself to feel that happiness. I also realised that there was plenty more I could do. Finding extra time for myself didn’t suddenly make me selfish, a bad friend, a terrible Mum – nor did it mean I had to spend a lot of money. I just had to make some changes to the way I organised my life, so I focused more on what made me happy.
Recently, I have realised that one of the consequences of the last few years is that I have stopped doing this. It wasn’t deliberate but it still happened. As a coach I am not going to focus on why this happened; instead I am going to put all of my energy into making changes so that I get back to being happier.
When I reflected on what had worked for me before it was clear that there were two main elements:-
1 – My Bananarama Pin Board
Why Bananarama? During my coaching training, we did an exercise that required us to symbolise our fun side. I was a teenager in the 80s and I associate Bananarama with fun, laughter and great music to dance to. During the exercise, I realised that I had neglected my fun side of me for too long so the Bananarama Pin Board was born.
Part of the joy of doing things you enjoy is looking forward to them. Sometimes in a busy life we put things in the diary and then forget about them until they happen, so I created a pin board where I printed out tickets/boarding passes/booking slips etc. for everything I had booked. Sometimes it was just a post-it note about a lunch with a friend – anything I was looking forward to went on the board. Once the event happened, I took it off the board, so I was motivated to keep it full by booking new events.
If I had a down day or felt lonely then I could look at the board and remember everything I had to look forward to.
2 – My Jar of Happiness
I read about this tip online and it immediately resonated with me. In our busy lives our brains are very skilled at keeping us focused on the negative. In evolutionary terms this makes sense as it kept us alive but today, we are not having to battle sabre tooth tigers and so focusing on the negative can lead us to experience unnecessary levels of stress and anxiety.
The jar of happiness works in a really simple way. Every time you have a good memory you write it on a post-it note. I use really brightly coloured ones to add to the cheerful feeling. Once it is written you fold it so you can’t see the writing and put it in a jar.
Over time, the jar will fill up with memories that are saved and ready to be accessed at any time. Whenever you want to you can pick a post-it note or two out of the jar to read, remember and smile.
I filled a jar during 2018 and 2019 until the pandemic stopped me. With hindsight, keeping the jar going would have really helped me keep the challenging experience in perspective. It is only recently that I have realised the true impact on me of the last three years and I am working hard to get back to my best self.
One of the stories I have been telling myself is that I lost a lot of what made me happy in the pandemic and I haven’t been able to get it back. The wonderful thing about having a jar of happiness for 2018/9 is that it gave me the facts about what REALLY made me happy. About a week ago I emptied my jar and read every single post-it note. It wasn’t what I expected and wasn’t what I thought I remembered.
Whilst there were some memories of social events (that I am really missing and have struggled to get back) there were many other activities that I can still do. Often, they are small, simple things that are easily forgotten if we let them. It gave me a new perspective and put me back firmly in charge of the situation.
So, I have restarted my pin board and pinned up evidence of all the events I have already got booked. It prompted me to book more events for 2023 so that I now have a full board again. It also meant I booked some long overdue catch ups with friends and old colleagues which feels good. I now have a lovely full pin board and, most importantly, I am continuing to make new plans. I feel more in control and have lost my fear of making plans (driven by avoiding the disappointment of everything being cancelled).
I also restarted my jar of happiness. I decided to go back to the beginning of October so that I could include my wonderful trip to Bali to see my daughter. When I reviewed my diary I was pleasantly surprised to find many more happy memories than I perceived there to be. At least once a week now I am going to fill my jar – it works.
I hope that sharing this approach helps you. You deserve to feel and enjoy the things that make you happy. Capture the little memories – they add up and they really matter.