Do you struggle to love and accept yourself? Do you want to accept yourself and stop the internal war that leads to us constantly craving validation from others?

This is a topic that I regularly come across with clients and one that I am constantly working on myself. I have a very persistent belief that I am not good enough. I know where it comes from, and I know the events that have reinforced it. I also know logically that it is rubbish but that doesn’t stop me from listening to it at times.

When I do, I find that two things happen:

  • I see lots more reasons to criticise myself to reinforce the belief
  • I seek out other people’s approval and I can do things I regret in order to get it. If we don’t get the validation we are looking for, we can undertake more and more people pleasing activity to get it – all of which strengthens the belief that we aren’t enough just as we are.

It can be really hard to break this cycle but it is really worth trying. The alternative is to focus on building our own inner validation and letting ourselves truly believe “we are enough”.

I have a favourite analogy about a cup cake. It is absolutely fine to enjoy other people’s validation, but it has to be the icing on the cake – it can’t be the cake itself.

Fill Yourself Up

I recently attended an event where this was brought home to me in a brilliant way. I was watching Keith Brymer-Jones who some of you may know from the Great Pottery Throw Down. I knew nothing about him before I went but I was fascinated to hear his life story. He is also passionate about helping young people find opportunities to explore traditional trades and creative professions and is now pursuing a number of opportunities to make a real difference in the future. One of the things he said was:

“Someone told me I was full of myself recently. I replied that of course I am – who else am I going to be full of?”

I loved this. It didn’t come from a place of arrogance but from a place of love and acceptance. He had talked a lot about lessons he had learned and ways his partner helps him to be more organised  – there was no sense at all that he was saying he was perfect. In fact, if you want proof he doesn’t take himself too seriously, you can watch this video that he shared during the show.

He was just saying that he accepted himself, he was proud of himself, and he didn’t care who knew.

I came away from that event really thinking. I talk to clients all the time about being clear about their values and being kind to themselves. We often talk about acceptance and forgiveness for previous decisions where hindsight has proven them to be wrong (even though we were doing our best at the time). I work with people all the time on quietening their inner critic and stopping the constant stream of judgement. I often work on these topics myself (I am a constant work-in-progress).

But could I say, “I am full of myself?”

How to fill yourself up

It made me really think about what means. I came up with this list:

  • Accepting decisions I have made in my life so far that have brought me here. Not all made sense with hindsight but, at the time, I believed I was doing what was right.
  • Being honest with myself about what makes me happy. I have definitely worked too hard in the past to be accepted and to fit in. I have now learned that when I do the activities that I really love – I find the right tribe of people.
  • Keeping checking on my values and whether I am living in accordance with them. Sometimes this means we have to take difficult decisions, but the alternative will never feel as good.
  • Accepting my flaws and putting in place systems to help me rather than criticising myself for them.

 

Does this list resonate with you? If you were to score yourself on each one – how would you do?

I am now actively working on this every week. As I plan my week, I ask myself, “Am I happy with what I am doing? What do I want more of? What do I want less of? Is there anything I want to change?”

This constant reflection is making a difference. I can’t pretend that other people’s opinions don’t matter at all – they do. But they matter less. And it is easier for me to see that they aren’t my people. If I have learned to love and accept myself then I can feel enough – for me!

Coaching can help you learn to love and accept yourself

If you would like any help learning to love and accept yourself, then please contact me for a free initial chat via the link below.