Do you often get told that you need to be kind to yourself? Do you nod and smile and agree but actually have no idea how to do it?
I’ve been there. I told myself for years that it was just how I was. I was hard on myself. If I’m honest, I actually thought it was something to be proud of and that it made me who I was. I thought it kept me striving for success. It didn’t – it just made it harder.
Over the last 5 years I have coached many people to help them be more kind to themselves and I am constantly working on it myself. I wish there was one easy step that we could take to do this but the reality is different. Being kind to ourselves is the result of lots of small changes that we can make consistently.
To help you be more kind to yourself I have developed the following 8 steps.
1./ Stop comparing yourself to others
I am sure that we have all heard the quote “Comparison is the thief of joy”. It is so true. We often are so worried about what other people are doing that we do not allow ourselves the time and focus to do what we want to do. We worry too much about what we SHOULD do or what others are going to think. Stop it. If you really want what someone else has then set yourself some clear actions and goals to get it. If you don’t, then stop comparing yourself and focus on what you really want.
2./ Quieten your Inner Critic
We all have that negative voice in our head that judges us, tells us what other people are thinking and persuades us we aren’t good enough. We tolerate words in our heads that we would never dream of saying to others. We can believe that being hard on ourselves makes us successful – it doesn’t. It makes being successful harder so start noticing this voice and tell it to shut up! Focus instead on the facts, what is really true, what changes do you really want to make? By constantly asking yourself what you want and letting yourself achieve it, you will be MORE you and will be happier and more fulfilled.
3./ Turn your “shoulds” into “coulds” and “wants”
The word “should” is one of the worst words in the English language. It instantly tells us that we have done something wrong. It doesn’t help us learn or move forward and it often implies impossible standards. If you use a “could” e.g. Next time I could do this…. Then it helps you learn for the future, it also makes sure that the expectation is achievable. Try also focusing on what you “want” rather than what you think you “should” want – see how good that feels!
4./ Celebrate your successes
We are often very good at focusing on anything that did not go well and we are rubbish at allowing ourselves to reflect on what we did well. We can worry that we will become complacent or arrogant. We won’t. We will just become more confident that we can do more things well. Our brains will naturally go to what we CAN do rather than what we CAN’T do.
5./ Set boundaries
When I ask people about boundaries it often becomes quickly apparent that there are none – or very few. If someone else asks us for something we do it. We put other people before ourselves so often it feels like the only way forward and we tell ourselves that if we don’t then we aren’t kind. Try treating people as equally important as yourself. Balance their needs with your needs instead of always coming second.
6./ Give time to your passions
When life gets busy (career, family, responsibilities) it is often time for our passions that gets squeezed. Maybe we used to love going to live music events or theatre or playing a sport. Maybe we were creative and loved making things. Maybe we used to enjoy DIY or gardening as a hobby but now it has become just a chore. By making even a small amount of time for you and letting yourself enjoy your passion again, it is remarkable what it can do for your happiness and fulfilment. You are also acknowledging yourself and making time for YOU.
7./ Honour your values
When we feel stressed or “out of kilter” it is often because we are not honouring our values. Maybe we have a strong value of connection and we are not making any time for it. Maybe we have a strong value around trust and respect and we have a relationship that is not honouring those values. In a busy life it is easy to lose sight of our values and to be too busy on the hamster wheel to stop and reflect. Take the time to stop and reflect. What are your values? How much are you honouring them? What do you want to change?
8./ Be present
I often hear from clients that they have no time for themselves and that they can’t find any time to do the things they want to. When we review how their actual time is spent it can often become clear that there is time already in their schedule for them. This might be time having manicures, quality time with family or even just space in the day where they could relax. However this time is often not noticed because we are too busy worrying about the future or mulling over the past. Start being present – enjoy the moment you are actually in and make the most of it.
In order to start being kind to yourself then I suggest you go through this list and mark yourself on a scale of 1-10 on how good you already are at doing it.
If you are an 8-10 then great – celebrate and reflect on how good that makes you feel. Make sure that you understand what you need to keep doing and plan that into your routines.
If you are a 5-7 then reflect on how you can push that up to an 8 or above. What do you need to do more of or less of? Is there an activity or a new habit that you can make time for that will help you? Can anyone you know help you with this?
For the steps that you are scoring less than 5 for – pick just one, initially, that you would like to change. Look around at your friends and family and see if anyone you know is a role model for this behavour. Look at what they actually do and try it. It is far easier to start a good habit than it is to break a bad habit so look at what you can start rather than focusing on stopping something negative.
Whatever you do, do it consistently. Make small changes and schedule reflection points to make sure they are working for you. Don’t try and change everything at once!!
If you would like some help with learning how to be kind to yourself then coaching can help. Please contact me here for an initial free session to see how I can help you.