This is a question that appears in my head way too often.
As many of you know, I spent much of my life with very low self esteem and a negative inner voice. This led me to treat myself very badly and to let others do the same.
That changed significantly 6 years ago when I experienced coaching for myself and I worked hard to change my beliefs and to quieten my inner voice. That work changed my life – but it doesn’t mean I don’t still have work to do.
I used to work for a company who had lots of mottos on the walls of every building and one of those that really resonated with me then – and still does – is, “Success is never final”. This is certainly true for the inner work that I have done to improve my self-esteem and confidence.
I feel confident in certain areas of my life and I trust myself to do the right thing. I have a growth mindset and so am always looking to improve, but I do not routinely beat myself up or tell myself I am not good enough. When things don’t go well, I am able to manage my reactions and look at the facts objectively; review options and then make decisions about what I want to do and how I want to do it. This does not mean I never have a “wobble”, but it is only ever a wobble and does not become a spiral.
This wasn’t always the case and this change in mindset was challenging but it was worth it.
However, there are a couple of areas in my life where I still have plenty of work to do and sometimes, I can fall into the trap of believing I will never be able to feel “good enough.”
As a coach, who helps people overcome these beliefs in their lives every day, it can be hard to admit this. It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that I should be perfect – that I need to have “everything sorted” and if I admit that, then I have failed. This can amplify the negative voice in my head on these topics and make it harder to reach out for help and to take action.
Sometimes, when I am coaching my clients, we have a big “a-ha” moment when a point really lands home and that can be the catalyst for action. I had one of these recently.
I was delivering a talk on ‘Managing Self-Sabotage’ and one of the points that I make is that we need to remember that when we have not performed as well as we want to on a particular topic, that doesn’t mean WE are a failure. It just means that we haven’t LEARNED how to do the task successfully YET.
When we allow ourselves to believe that WE are a failure and therefore “not good enough”, we often sit in a victim mindset and get stuck feeling sorry for ourselves and frustrated at the situation. We don’t tend to creatively identify options and ‘get into’ action.
I realised that I had been doing exactly that. I had fallen into a victim mindset in a couple of areas and was focusing on everything I didn’t have and couldn’t do. I was listening to my inner voice rather than focusing on the facts and identifying possible solutions. I was feeling very sorry for myself and was beating myself up, which was leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy about not feeling good enough. Nothing was changing.
Realising what I was doing is one thing – ‘getting into’ action is different and is not always easy. When a topic is very emotional, it can be hard to accept that we do have choices and that we CAN make changes, regardless of how anyone else behaves.
So, what am I doing? I am going back to what I know works in other areas of my life. I am getting curious about what I really want and what IS working for me. I am practising more self-compassion and have stopped calling myself a failure. I have reminded myself of all the occasions where I have succeeded before and that I can do it again. I have started making a few, small, sustainable changes that will help me move towards what I want.
Most importantly, I am trying to focus on the facts and not listening to my really negative inner voice and about what people might be thinking about me. This is the hardest bit for me, but I know I have conquered this before and I can do it again.
So, in answer to the question; Am I am good enough? Yes – I am good enough for me. I’m still learning and developing and constantly changing but I am good enough.
Are you able to say the same? If not, then consider what changes you could make to be able to change your belief. If you want to talk this through, then I’d be delighted to have a free call with you.